Lots of committed relationships are “fine”. You’ve figured out how to live together and be happy enough, you don’t fight that much, you can predict how the other will react to most things, and there aren’t too many surprises.
But, you also may be feeling like you’re in a rut, are somewhat bored, you don’t do new activities anymore, and you are less connected than you used to be.
As this New Year begins, you have an opportunity to look deeply at what is happening (or NOT happening) and make a decision that you want more. This may be your time to begin taking your relationship from “flatline to fabulous”. From just “fine” to amazing. You get the picture.
The first step is figuring out what exactly is going on now.
For those of you who read the last blog Relax and Reflect, you may have answered the questions that I posed:
Questions for reflection:
In my relationship with my partner,
• What things do I want to bring forward into the new year?
• What things do I want to leave behind?
• What new things do I want to invite into myself and my relationship?
• What has been my part in the good and the not-so-good in the past year?
• What do I want our relationship to be like by this time next year?
• Who do I have to be in order to make this happen (of course, you are yourself, but what improvements, awareness, changes)?
• Any other questions that come to mind. Try concentrating on YOURSELF in the relationship and focus less on what changes you want your partner to make.
If you haven’t done this already, I suggest you do this:
My method: Here’s a method that I’ve used each year-end that has served me well.
First, find a period of time of at least 60 minutes.
Then, find a quiet place and make it comfortable, with water, tea, coffee, candles or anything that suits you.
Have your journal with you and a pen or pencil, or your tablet or computer.
Do some thinking, then writing about the questions below, as well as any others that come to mind.
Once you have done that part of the process, I suggest you do this in a separate 60-minute time, or, take a break and then start this part.
NOW, it’s time to make use of the answers you came up with, and create some actions to make them happen.
For each of the items that you want to bring forward, write down one action that would ensure that you will bring it forward.
For example, if you want to make sure that you continue to connect with your partner often, the action could be: “Establish a nightly ritual in which we catch up with each other, after the children are in bed.”
For something you want to leave discontinue, figure out one thing that would get you on your way to leaving it. For example, if you decided to discontinue yelling, your action could be: “When we are disagreeing, as soon as I feel myself getting upset, I will call a time out to settle down, then resume the conversation. I will repeat this as often as necessary so that I talk from a calmer place inside myself”.
Do this exercise for each of the areas on your list. It will take time, but it will be worth it in peace, happiness and joy.
Then, and this is important, pick ONE of the items from one of the “leave behind” categories and ONE from the “Invite in” category. Concentrate on those for ONE week.
Notice how you feel as you accomplish this change action each time.
Then select another pair and add them the next week.
This is how we break old habits and build new ones. At the neurobiological level, each time we engage in a new behavior, we are forming new patterns in our brain that ultimately make it more likely that you will engage in the new, desired behavior rather than the old behavior. Powerful, right?
Do you want more support in taking your relationship from where it is now to a place that you could be very happy, peaceful and joyful?
I have some options available to you, coming soon:
Private coaching for couples. This runs the gamut from Coaching calls biweekly to 2-day private VIP days for people who want to have an intensive, jumpstart experience.
More details available soon.
In January-February I’m launching my online course for committed couples, called Flatline to Fabulous. It will be a 5 Module course that guides you to create the relationship you’ve always wanted. If you’re feeling a little bored or dissatisfied with how your relationship is going right now, or if there are some definite problems with things like communication, talking about difficult topics, emotional or physical closeness, then consider signing up for the course, at the launch. It will include:
• 5 modules filled with information, guidance and actions for up-leveling your relationship
• Community calls of 60-90 minutes after the launch of each module. In the calls I unpack the information, answer questions and help people solve some problems. Calls will be recorded, so if you can’t attend a call, you can listen to it later. You also can email a question or concern and I could answer it on the call.
• 3 private coaching calls with me, lasting 50-60 minutes. These give you an opportunity to work on problems, specific issues and any other items you want help with.
• Secret Facebook group to share community and to communicate with other couples who are in the course or in my private coaching packages. Here you can get questions answered, by either me, a team member or other members of the group. Many couples find this very supportive and affirming. Participation is optional, of course.
• Bonuses that you will hear about at the launch.
Your relationship is precious.
An investment in it now can pay dividends for a lifetime! This course teaches you using a process that had been proven over decades, and has produced remarkable results.